I was talking with a client a few days ago who is going through a “messy” divorce and heard a story we have all heard at one point or another, unfortunately. She was explaining to me how angry her ex-husband is and how harsh and unreasonable he has been. She is getting hateful texts from him and, unfortunately, her children have been exposed to some of this anger, and they have been quite distressed about it. I feel sad for both of these parents, but mostly, I told her, I feel very sad for the children. She wanted to know how she should respond to his angry outbursts. I was encouraged to hear that she had not responded at all. I encouraged her to find a way to change their old pattern of anger meets anger so it can become less toxic for both of them, and the kids. Here is where Tai Chi comes in.
Tai Chi instructs us NOT to meet brute force with brute force. On the contrary, Tai Chi is all about promoting calmness and freedom from stress, and gauging and adjusting your response in reaction to the outside force. I am not claiming expert status, but I can tell you that the martial art of Tai Chi places emphasis on relaxed muscle positions and the use of the opponents momentum, as contrasted with the “hard” styles or martial arts, which employ muscles in a high-state of readiness, and meeting an opponent’s force with one’s own force. The core of Tai Chi could be described as simply learning to be prepared and react appropriately to whatever is offered, and practitioners of Tai Chi usually find that within a relatively short period of time, they are better equipped to handle stressful situations, and find themselves less prone to being caught off balance either physically or mentally. Tai Chi philosophy promotes the idea that, if one uses hardness to resist force, then both sides are certainly going to be injured. It is not about a direct fight or resistance of incoming force, but rather a meeting the force with softness and following its motion while remaining in contact, until the force exhausts itself and can be redirected. *
As I delved a little deeper I began to see many similarities between the practice of Tai Chi and how I might advise parents who are going through a divorce. But first, some thoughts about divorce in general…
It’s complicated. I know. No two divorces are the same, and there are at least two sides to every story. There are usually plenty of reasons for both sides to be angry, hurt, disappointed and sad. I am not trying to imply that it’s simple, and if you simply do as I suggest that everyone will be happy. When divorce happens, and children are involved, you will always have a relationship with your (ex)spouse. While the relationship with your “ex” will be different, and likely difficult, it is necessary. When kids are involved there are many things that require ongoing and continuous communication, and interaction. This is just the reality.
Therefore, you must decide– do you want to live in a life where there is constant muscle tension, with your dukes up and ready to fight at any given moment, or do you want to do your best to make the relationship as palatable and healthy as possible? How does one go about making a relationship with someone who, in many cases, is personally unbearable and intolerable? I do not pretend to believe that there is any easy answer to this, but I am pretty certain that constant bickering and battling and “tit for tat” is not going to make anyone feel good, let alone be productive.
One thing that divorcing parents have in common is that they no longer can tolerate each other well enough to live in the same home. They have gotten into a particular pattern of behavior that is not working for them, and is therefore causing them to feel distress, unbalance and all sorts of negative emotions. In an effort to create a new life for yourself your efforts might be better focused on attempting to switch things up a bit, change the pattern, dampen the fire a bit, let go and move on to forge a new kind of relationship with your (ex)spouse, one that attempts to alter that problematic dynamic and keeps the focus on what’s best for your children.
How does one get to the end of a bumpy road without too many casualties? After all feelings are feelings. They are real, and often valid, and they are often very difficult to manage and keep in control. Everyone has their own story to tell. I truly GET all of this. However, what I say to parents who are in the midst of this agony is that the sooner they are able to get a hold of their emotional reactions to their (ex)spouse, so that they can deal with their spouse in a respectful, civil and rational manner, the better off their children will be, and they will be. I remind parents that their children did not CHOOSE to get divorced, most likely did not WANT the divorce, and they have NO CONTROL OVER what happens as a result of the divorce. They still in most cases want and NEED a relationship with BOTH parents, and one which is conflict and guilt free. Furthermore, it is crucial for their own healthy self-development that children, whenever possible, maintain a positive and healthy relationship with both parents. I tell parents, they can be angry and sad, disappointed and hurt, but let’s think carefully about how you want to express those feelings, to whom you want to express them, and more importantly, how you want to react to your spouse’s expression of strong emotions. Use These Tai Chi guidelines to make change:
- Simply learning to be prepared helps you to not be caught off balance and allows you to react appropriately to whatever is offered. Be prepared for the worst, so when it happens you are not surprised, and you are not thrown off balance. Understand that these experiences are emotional for all, we are all human. This doesn’t mean waiting around with tense muscles and your dukes in the air ready for a fight. This means, expecting there to be times of conflict and disagreement, times when you don’t see things the same way. It makes sense because this is part of the reason that you are divorced (even the most happily married couples have these times of disagreement). Just knowing that these times are bound to happen prepares you for a more measured, calm and reasonable response and reaction.
- If one uses hardness to resist force, then both sides are certainly going to be injured. Find times whenever you can to be an ally with your (ex)spouse. When your spouse is complaining about how expensive summer camp is, instead of thinking or saying, “You are such an (expletive), don’t you want what’s best for the children?,” take a moment to validate the truth in this, “Yes things are very expensive, it’s tough making these ends meet, but this is why I am thinking this particular expense is important, what do you think?” Try not to react immediately to something your (ex)spouse does that makes you crazy or irate. Take some time to mull it over, consider where they are coming from, and why they might be having the reaction they are having. CHANGE your reaction and the dynamic. You don’t need to fight fire with fire or shout your angry feelings from the rooftop. You can process your feelings with people who are there to support you.
- Meeting the force with softness and follow its motion while remaining in contact, until the force exhausts itself and can be redirected. Try to get away from this idea that you need to drag your s (ex)spouse through the ringer with you (remember, you want a DIFFERENT relationship with that person, this is the reason for the divorce), because what purpose would that really serve? Is that getting you any closer to putting closure on your marriage so that you can both move on to live happy and healthy lives? I do not believe so. You have made the decision that you do not want to be in a marriage together, that you want to separate from the anger and disappointment and sadness that your marriage has created for each of you, so why keep dredging that up again? Let the forces and your energy behind them be redirected towards positive ends—what is best for your children. Make a pact yourself, and each other, to do everything in your power to help your children get through the divorce with as few battle wounds as possible. Understand that the energy you give off is the energy you will receive. Make a conscious effort to be positive and communicative and respectful. Find peace and balance within yourself and outlets for yourself to express some of the negativity that you feel (whether it be exercise, meditation, hobbies, therapy, talking with family and friends, or Tai Chi!).
I KNOW this is not easy, and it may seem like what I am asking is impossible to achieve. But I truly believe that whatever you put out into the world is what you will find in return. YOU want a different life, a different relationship, make it happen! Even when you are the only one of the two trying to lift up the discourse, you need to be steadfast. Only YOU get to define how you behave in the world. Remember to go easy on yourself. Don’t expect to have the perfect reaction every time. Use these principles as a guide, something to strive for. You can do it!
*For more information on Tai Chi, go to these sites:
